At some point in each episode, I realize that I am losing control. I refer to this as “falling down the rabbit hole,” a reference to Alice in Wonderland. This clip from the 2010 Alice in Wonderland film accurately portrays my experience.
I also can relate to “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane. Both the cadence of the song and the lyrics capture my ascent into mania. I often find that music can convey my emotions when I don’t have the words. Here is a video of their live performance of the song at Woodstock (with lyrics):
In November 2015, I found myself in yet another psychiatric hospital. I was assigned a counselor shortly after arriving, and we met twice a week for an hour. There was a framed watercolor painting of a blackbird on her wall with the caption, “Blackbird singing in the dead of night.” One day I asked her, “What’s with the Beatles painting?” proud of myself for catching the pop culture reference. She asked if I knew the lyrics to the song, and when I said that I did not, she told me to look them up. Since then, the song has new meaning for me. I was emotionally broken, and I desperately wanted to learn to fly.
Here is Paul McCartney performing it live at the Glastonbury Music Festival in 2004: